When Your Spoken ‘Yes’ is a Heartfelt ‘No’
A women’s group I am part of is meeting tomorrow for lunch. I should be excited. After all, I like the women very much, at least the ones I know well. They are intelligent and kind, and I have no reason not to want to show up. Yet my stomach is tied in knots. I am unsure of my desire to go. Sometimes I wonder why I ever rsvp’d ‘yes.’
Why am I reacting this way? I am not a social butterfly, but I do enjoy being around people I know and like. Can you relate? Have you ever said yes to an event, meeting, or coffee only to end up with pain in your stomach, tightening in your chest, or an irritable outburst directed at your family for no reason you can provide?
I’ve been listening to a lot of self-help podcasts lately and reading books about knowing myself better, setting healthy boundaries, learning how to balance relationships, work, and free time. I have to admit the more I read and listen, the more my stomach ties in knots. I believe I am starting to wake up to a side of me that I buried long ago. That part of me that is the most authentic. The part I lost when I decided it was more important to be liked than to be honest about my thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs.
As I listen to a current podcaster delve further into the topic, I realize that my mother modeled for me a life of servanthood and “going along to get along.” She was a lovely woman who truly found joy in serving and being generous with her time and talents, but as she matured, she began to share more frequently about the dreams she had for her life that never came to fruition because when she tried, she received backlash from my father and gave up. She literally sacrificed her happiness to serve my dad and raise four children, all born in a span of six and a half years.
She thought she would be able to go back, to take classes after we were born and become an elementary school teacher like her mother was. But one attempt without my dad’s support caused her to quit in defeat. Her greatest yes became a no because my dad didn’t really want her to pursue her dream. He wanted her home. Her yes became a no because of circumstances, but my yes that feels like a heartfelt no is one over which I have control.
What have you said yes to that you later wished had been a no?
School committee membership or meeting?
Neighborhood watch or fundraising event?
School PTO, bake sale, or volunteer opportunity?
Church committee, Bible Study, Women’s Get Together?
Most women struggle with saying no, and I have been one of the biggest “strugglers” I know. The good news is that we can change. We can learn to say yes and mean it. Learn to say a kind no when necessary, to be authentic to who we are and what we want to do or not do. It just takes some practice that we can build upon each day.
I started with something small today. My husband loves to golf. I do not, but I do go out with him and try my best so we can share an activity together that he enjoys. Today, the weather in Southwest Florida pushed 90 degrees with high humidity and by Hole #11, I just couldn’t take it anymore.
My nice-girl-personality offered to ride the golf cart with him so he could finish 18 holes. Then I thought better – I think he saw the look on my face and knew what was coming.
“What do you want to do?” he asked, slightly hopeful I would maintain my composure and finish the round.
Despite my concern that he would be upset, I summoned my courage and gave an honest, authentic reply. “I’m too hot. I need to go home and jump in the pool.”
He paused a short time and then surprised me by saying, “Great idea. I’m too hot too.” And off we went.
Old-me would have insisted we stay out so he could finish 18 holes and add his score to his handicap app. But new-me wanted to come home and cool down, and it felt so good to be honest and allow my own need to be met.
I know it sounds like a small thing, but it was big to me. I was heard and responded to in a positive way, and the earth did not cease to exist.
Some of you might have this figured out, but for those like me who struggle because we got a double dose of ‘nice’ in our genes, we need to learn that each time we are honest about our thoughts and feelings, we become more real, valued, and worthy of respect.
After our refreshing post-golf dip in the pool, I walked to a neighbor’s house who I’ve been wanting to introduce myself to for months but just never got around to doing it. My introverted self needs to peek out of my safe place to be audacious enough to say hello. We chatted briefly and I gave her my number. She mentioned that she is really nervous about what’s happening in the world today. She doesn’t like the way things are going.
Old-me would have stayed silent and nodded my head, keeping peace at all costs, afraid to potentially turn off my neighbor the moment we met. New-me said, “I think our country is moving in a positive direction. We’re going through painful things right now because a lot of darkness needs to be dealt with, but we’re heading toward something wonderful. Just be patient. Good days are coming.”
To my surprise, she lit up and said, “You really think so? You are such a blessing.”
I smiled wide, grateful to God for giving me courage to be my authentic self, to speak my truth with respect and kindness and have my words received with appreciation.
I have a feeling that our true yeses bless people more than the ones we say to make others happy. A heartfelt yes is one of the greatest gifts we can give. It means we value them enough to trust them with our whole self, our real self. And it lays the foundation for true friendship in which love and respect are shared.
May your heartfelt yeses increase each day as you lean into your authentic personality and preferences. You were uniquely created to share your gifts and talents with the world. Let your yeses reflect who you truly are. The world will thank you for being real and reward you with meaningful relationships that fill your life with joy.
