“I’m sorry I failed you,” I said to my 37-year-old daughter before climbing into the Uber that took my husband and me to the airport to fly 2,000 miles home. The night before was one of the most difficult of my life. I skipped dinner, though I was starving, and prayed as I cried out to God to restore what the enemy was trying to break.

It’s true. Before knowing Christ as Lord, I made many bad decisions that affected my daughter in untold ways, and for that I am sorry. I have shared my apology with her many times, but her wounds seem to be too deep for even her own mind and heart to understand.

After asking Jesus to be Lord of my life more than 30 years ago, I received His forgiveness and was so excited to walk in newness of life with joy and peace like I had never known. I pressed in hard, memorized scripture, surrendered to God, and gave Him permission to use me for His kingdom.

He has been faithful to me, but somewhere along the way, my daughter lost her way. It seems like she is praying to God without truly surrendering her own will to Him, and she is suffering as a result and wanting desperately to blame me for her disappointments. For years, I accepted her shame, knowing my decisions had affected her deeply. Now I wonder if it’s time for me to surrender her to God and trust Him to heal her wounds and restore our relationship.

Do you have a prodigal child of your own? Perhaps a child or two who struggles with life and makes not-so-great decisions of their own, only to fall and fail and end up blaming you because you made bad decisions decades ago and it’s easier for them to blame you than take responsibility for their own lives?

It’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? You give and give and sacrifice your own happiness, peace, and sometimes even financial security, and then you find yourself the center of their anger and frustration, maybe because they think you’ll allow them to treat you like that forever – as though you have no feelings of your own.

These are the times I wish there were a parenting handbook from God that tells us exactly what to say and how to respond and promises they will return to us in a short period of time. I must admit I said some things in my own frustration that hurt her, too, but I have a heart to reconcile. To forgive and move on. To love and laugh and share our thoughts and feelings again.

Sadly, I am not so sure she feels the same way. And when the child is an only child like mine is, the pain cuts even deeper. Without her, I am biologically childless.

I have cried so many tears and isolated on days when the reality of our broken relationship breaks my heart all over again. But as Psalm 71:14 states, “I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more.” And I do have that hope.

If you have been exceedingly close to your child (or children) and yet find yourself in a difficult place of brokenness this Mother’s Day, I pray you will maintain hope in the LORD, too. Our God is a God of reconciliation. A God of hope, peace, and love. Maybe there’s a lesson for us in the valley that God is trying to teach us.

I have been sensing the word surrender a lot lately. I like to think that I do it regularly, but I’m beginning to think perhaps the kind of radical surrender God requires is not something I have practiced enough to learn of His grace and power to work all things together for good.

Ask anyone who really knows me and they will tell you I am a diligent, responsible do-er of things. I have a hard time watching a movie without some needlework in my lap or a crossword puzzle book nearby. I have been known to pause a movie to do something because I feel lazy and unproductive, but God never asked me to do that. And He’s not asking me to heal my daughter and make everything okay, because I don’t have that kind of power. Only God can heal.

He’s not asking you to try to fix things with your family either. Surrender looks so different from the way I tend to live each day. Surrender means trusting God to provide without striving. Believing He is at work even when we can’t see it. Resting in His promise to bring good from what is currently breaking our hearts in two.

This Mother’s Day will be a bitter one as my daughter is not speaking to me, and my heart wants to bury itself in darkness and maybe build a wall around it to prevent further pain. Yet, I will trust in the LORD with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. I will acknowledge His work and His ways and trust Him to lead me in His way, the good way.

I pray peace over your mother-heart this year and over mine as well, as we struggle with heartache we were never intended to carry. Surrender your will to God and give Him permission to do His healing work in your child and begin to praise Him for what He will bring to pass. Your mourning will be turned to gladness one day.

God is good. All the time. Even in the valleys.

May Mother’s Day this year be a time of rest as you “mother” yourself. Show yourself some love by doing what makes you happy. Eat a wonderful meal. Thank God for the child/children He has blessed you with. Praise Him for the healing and hope that is just a prayer away.

We’re going to be okay. By prayer and the powerful healing work of God through Holy Spirit, our children will be restored to us. And love and joy will fill our hearts and homes again one day.

In the mighty name of Jesus, I wish you a blessed Mother’s Day.

Donna